No sleep last night, no sleep tonight

Just to keep up with the tradition, or boring thematic repetition of these posts, it’s Sunday evening again, Carne Asada outside again, and I shall tell you that in my dark room, light from the kitchen falls outside my door, and the first isolated words of Because by I Am Kloot are dropping into the silence.

I should be asleep. How I should be asleep. I have another early morning and a 5.15 alarm programmed into my mobile, but I have snoozed on and off throughout the day, and since sleep has now become vital, it has also become elusive. Julia is in her room next door in a haze of smoke, talking to Germany and I am here cross legged on my air bed, too warm to wear anything but a sheet. I have worn it nearly all day, tied around the back of my neck like a dress and sweeping to the floor in a satisfying fashion.

Last night was really good and lots of fun. Ana and Gigi had a bienvenida party of white - white clothes, and drink and food on a terrace with candles. A lovely atmosphere and combination of languages, wine and mojitos, white chocolate and smiley people on a warm evening. It all became a little bit hazy around the edges and we sped away from it all in an early morning taxi. I shall miss the friendliness and laughter, the switch of one second to a language or another, and translation, the interest and the difference.

Alison Krauss just started singing go to sleep little babe at me. I feel as if I should take her advice.

Oh Christ. Whitney Houston is back.

No words No word count

It is Sunday afternoon. I can smell carne asada outside, which is usual for a Sunday. Julia is playing a Whitney Houston song after I accidentally reminded her of its existence by shouting abuse at someone in the barrio who also feels the need to play it on a loop, along with I will survive. I am staring into the face of the fact that two thousand words I should have written this week are incomplete. More like a paltry thousand, in Spanish I feel I should point out. In my essay career so far, my best word-time ratio was a cool thousand in an hour, sat on the bottom bunk of the green room at Osborne Drive, Belfast, watched by my Dad’s old toy soldiers. Relatives in the rooms below lay prostrate on sofas recovering after Grandpa’s birthday meal, and when I finished, I padded down the staircase into the kitchen to discover that in the McDonald family a bit of bread and cheese, a glass of wine and some left over pudding is always squeezable in for supper, however late or large is lunch.

My word count has not been helped by the clocks stealing an hour of my time and the way I punctuate my days with useless activity; absentmindedly listening to BBC podcasts featuring Richard Dawkins and some infuriating woman who is under the strange impression that religion is a serious business, rediscovering the Walk the Line soundtrack, holiday-skinning my legs, writing this, making a splendid salad sandwich, watching a portion of last night’s DVD with Spanish dubbing and subtitles just to watch the strange disparity between the two, and deciding that afternoon tea should be indulged, and going to buy a Bimbo cake to eat with my tea. It was probably memories of Belfast that have persuaded my subconscious to persuade my conscious to go to the little shop to buy what we succinctly call Bimbo shit. Bimbo products do truly challenge all normal rules of science, staying soft and squishy and apparently fresh for days running into weeks. Moreish pap.

Apparently this week, the temperature this week is going to hit forty degrees. Likelihood is I won’t see it. I hope not. I spend inordinate amounts of time in one room in the uni, to the point where four walls just do not seem sufficient. In moments of weakness I lean up against the air-conditioner to feel my skin cool and watch what passes for television in this country. I think it’s the worst I’ve seen, and I’ve lived in Italy. It truly looks like a group of friends who have become intoxicated by the sheer amount of make up on their faces, stolen a television studio and are pissing about solely for the amusement of each other; every two minutes they dance like idiots and cackle. It looks, at least, like they’re having a good time. Mexican daytime television strikes me as a series of had-to-be-there moments.

I went on holiday over the Easter holiday. Monterrey, to put it mildly, is not my spiritual home, so visiting other cities and finding I really like them always has a touch of poignant disappointment that I wasn’t placed there. I reassure myself with my ability to visit them, and the knowledge that I can talk with glowing terms about Mexico- the country, and the people, if not the concrete and fast food jungle in which I currently reside. Perhaps I am being overcritical. It is a concrete jungle set in the most incredible craggy mountain ranges and impressive landscape.

To get to Guadalajara, it took the first of two twelve hour bus journeys of the holiday. It did not go well. We arrived in a bus station resembling a pan shot of a city in flight; families squealing at each other over trolleys full of all of their worldly possessions and utter confusion over bus numbers and destinations. Becky was ill, without voice, and my intelligent self, after having with relief found the right bus, stored our luggage and set out, realised my jumper was still in our friendly taxi service. I shivered away the twelve hour journey in a vest top and utter discomfort, resenting Julia-two-hoodies beside me, and the well prepared families with blankets behind.

Guadalajara was great; a clean, white hostel with high ceilings and books, cycling through the city (not me, obviously), squares and cathedrals, Tlaque Plaque and I have to say the worst meal I have had in as long as I can remember. I never know you could make pasta so truly repulsive, but failing to cook the flour in a cheese sauce is a good start. I felt worst for Becky; a painful chest infection, having to watch me nose-bleed at inconvenient moments and then a plate of raw flour and slime.

We moved on to Guanajuato and my new favourite place. It’s not that hard to be my new favourite place; it requires cafes and good places to eat, cobbled streets and colour, trees and hidden plazas, interest, at least one market, the ability to walk most places. A Mexican Margie running a bed and breakfast is an added bonus. Oh, and cable television. Being deprived of television does at least give it a great novelty, especially when you discover the strange culture shock of being able to watch some mid-nineties Changing Room episodes at breakfast time in Mexico. The city was full of people for Semana Santa and getting street treats and elote (with mayonnaise, cheese, chilli and lots and lots of lime) in the evenings was a bit of an enjoyable scrum.

If you can't stand the heat...

Laura Marling and Hot Chip are waiting on youtube. My feet are in a bowl of water, trying to remove the dirt ingrained, playing catch barefoot yesterday. We are planning to gather some bodies for a hotch potch, approximate rounders game; in the February sun, revisiting July Friday afternoons in school. I hope I discover I like rounders, no false memories of joyful, scratchy, grassy afternoons, when the truth is closer to absolute athletic humiliation. We shall see.
It’s Pancake Day and I have only just remembered, and it’s touch and go whether I’ll make them. The more I think about it, the more I think I will; the crunchy sweet sour, lemon and sugar mixture might be too much to resist. Although actually it will be the slightly more exotic lime and sugar, since lemons are non-existent.
It’s only a couple of weeks after bone-shattering cold nights and cold air whistling past my ears; Julia and I huddled together in the same bed for warmth. An enormous pile of blankets, almost pinned to the bed, and a small nest of heat, a shock of cold if you dare to move your toe beyond the boundary to the cold sheet beyond. That is all past and I can hardly remember it now. The heat has begun in full earnest. It’s only the beginning of February, and apparently Sunday hit 40 degrees, although I was snoozing it away, so I can’t be quite sure. Already stepping outside feels like stepping into an enormous hot bath, the warm air pressed up against you. My fear of coping with the heat when summer truly hits is genuine. Becky and I remembered all the aspects of life that come with Monterrey in the heat. When the heat well and truly hits, I will:
a) Be sporting mosquito bites, in the double figures. Current record stands at 16 on one leg; a September special that one; heat, wet weather and windows with holes in combined. Apparently I have sangre dulce, which seems to be from some a compliment, although I would rather have disgusting blood and less bites.
b) Carry a jumper through the heat, to wear in any enclosed space; Stepping from a warm air bath into a sharp, cold, air-conditioned shop or room or car or house or building causes my muscles to contract, my shoulders to jump and the particles of sweat that live on every hair to form a small layer of ice. All within 10 seconds.
c) Spend a significant proportion of my pay in 711 on cold, cold drinks, packed with a sugar hit to get me through the next staggering 20 minutes; then, I come to the next 711 and pop in for another Sprite, or iced tea.
d) Spend minutes at a time with the fridge open in the above shops looking for the above drinks, as an extra cooling technique.
e) Have no choice of hairstyle- jaggedy fringe across the face is all very well and good, as well as tendrils to hide my lack of jaw line, but plastered in sweat to the edge of my face? Not a good look. It is then made worse by the constant movement in and out of air-conditioned areas, creating frizz that had previously been considered impossible by science.
f) Be extra grumpy, grouchy and sleepy.
g) Entirely unable to walk normal distances.
h) Dream of nights when curling up in covers was possible, rather than stretched out, wearing as little as possible, waiting for the beautiful sensation of air movement from the fan, on the edge of sleep.
i) Become suddenly aware of the backs of my knees, the little space where my glasses rest, my inner arm, between my toes, and anywhere my underwired bra meets my skin. All places, where, without care, sweat collects. Urgh. How unpleasant.

It sounds like a gale has just started outside. It is suddenly dark. Perhaps I should relax for a while.

Yellow Lemon Tree is on the radio.
I’ve just polished off a slab of white bread, slathered with a little too much Nutella. That is the only way to eat Nutella I think. Stinginess does not come easily to Nutella, and in unfortunate stingy circumstances, it really only succeeds in gluing a piece of bread to the roof of your mouth. But instead, being indulgent, I have achieved the burning sensation of sugar at the back of my throat and left chocolate finger prints on the pages of my book. Nutella is a food that is intensely associated with holidays in Europe. A non-specific and vague continental memory; campsites, salty sun-kissed skin, ruffles, Principe biscuits, yoghurt and sugar, bread and olive oil, white peaches, a shiny red hire car with Nora snoozing gently to the left, and me, gormless and slightly hypnotised by the rhythm of the alien road signs swimming past the window. Moments of hysterical fear and cackling laughter, when my Dad would absentmindedly swing his arm around the back of the driver’s seat, to try and grab my ankles. I would squeal and draw my feet up on the seat, eyes locked on Dad’s blind hand, patting the car floor in the hope of grabbing an ankle or foot, before some kind of driving manoeuvre required two hands. Perhaps my hysterical, half pleasure, half pain, can be traced back to an all too vivid imagining of the dreadful fate of Jim, being eaten bit by bit; most significantly, feet first.
So, it is January. The European contingent in Monterrey is returning after travelling far and wide, probably taking in most of the country between ourselves. Slipping back into lesson preparations and days spent at the faculty, it feels like I never left, and my visitors, oases in the desert. However, the wealth of photos suggest otherwise, as did the warmth of many voices and proper meals. The pyjama clad padding of the first minutes of the day; Closed-eye listening to coffee and toast preparations, Nora’s warm weight beside me, and the first hours of the day, where inaction and domesticity is wallowed in.
I visited so many places I am already unable to get them quite straight in my head. I was aching for a departure from Monterrey and work when the parents arrived. The grey lockers and furniture where I am interned at work was working its way into my brain. Their trip had an unprepossessing start; the day was cloudy and oppressively warm. Pollution sat in a haze over the city, and hid the mountains, its best feature. They rise above the often bleak and ugly buildings with craggy majesty. But not on that day.
We left the next day for Morelia.-The first of enough flights to make an environmentalist blush. It charmed us.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been suffering from several waves of strong homesickness. I’m living a concurrent life in my head that involves Brick Lane, South Bank, noodles, falafel, the tube, the pervasive grey of London in December, pubs and banter, ridiculous meaningless conversations, and involved discussions based on the intellectual challenges of shag-marry-pushoffacliff. Banter conversations, leaps of imaginative silliness, are very difficult here for various reasons. Mostly my Spanish skills don’t stretch that far; if I embark on a stream of ill-advised silliness, I leave only a trail of confusion. I am missing the people who know me well enough to not only follow me, but better me, stretching a parallel banter universe into other realms. I think I might be talking bollocks again.
I am lazy, and this is my current biggest problem. It is a constant exertion to live in another country, for me anyway, since I’m rather mentally flabby (although beer, cheese and meat are having a rather physical affect too). Obviously a large proportion of life is eating, sleeping, meal-planning and doing little other than breathing in and out at various moments, whether you live in the same village all your life or travel the world. It’s the small proportion of time apart from that which seems the most important. Although actually a good snooze seems pretty important right at this moment.
It’s quite hard to have silly conversations. I am not quite relaxed enough. Conversations generally start with where I am from, and why I am here. Then they move to my ideas about Mexico and Monterrey. Neither of these topics lend themselves well to alternative answers or banter. I’m concerned I am becoming boring. My life here seems so dominated by the fact I’m from elsewhere that conversations are based generally around comparison – invariably me starting with ‘In Britain…’ and ending with words which generally roll into ‘blah blah blah’. I’m falling into some kind of caricature, shying away from the direct questioning that comes easily here – where you live, how old you are, whether you are attached, how much you earn being legitimate questions, and reminiscing about tea and cold weather. How ridiculous. I’ve forgotten what I talk about at home, when being British has no cause for comment. I’m losing the ability to converse. I have it in neither language.
It scares me how comforting anonymity is – how I crave for it and for Britain, a sentiment which seems like some bizarre sort of patriotism which I would have never associated with myself previously. Perhaps I am hardly a fraction as open to living abroad as I thought I was, but then I’ve always been the type of person who revels in any opportunity to forcefully shove my head into any piles of sand that happen to be lying about. I truly did not think I would find it this hard. It was easy to imagine that I would be homesick for London while I was still there and had my big white soft bed, the radio, company and familiarity, but the reality does feel like an absence in my life. I can palpably feel that I am missing a year in London – the last year of university for so many people is passing. Does the London life I miss even exist anymore? Of course not. And I am forgetting how I craved to escape it then. But even remembering commuting on the tube, grey drizzle, London Lite, Argos adverts, the cost of living, Mile End chicken shops, fails to halt homesickness. They have acquired virtue in their familiarity – they are obviously unpleasant parts of life, but of a life I miss.
The best, if rather laboured, analogy I can think of for living abroad is that it feels like waking up in a house very familiar to you, but everything has been moved three inches to the left. At first you don’t realise it; everything looks the same but you stumble on the stairs, you reach and inexplicably miss the light switch - your assumptions and innate reactions have lost their validity. You can no longer rely on things that you have always taken for granted. Sometimes for good reason. Some things ‘we’ do are bloody ridiculous. Like refusing to ask for directions. Or the strange meandering conversations that are required to discover small pieces of information.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing about this is, is that I know that leaving Mexico will come all too horribly soon and I shall be unable to understand why so much time was spent thinking about a city and group of people that will still be there in July.

No tables no chairs

November in Monterrey and Christmas seems like months away rather than a few weeks. The days are not drawing in, I haven’t seen a Marks and Spencer Christmas food advert and the weather is still tending towards short sleeves, clear blue skies and warmth. Every few days I wake chilly round the edges, the air smelling cool and frosty, or perhaps a dense grey lack of light that reminds me of London. But often it’s still sunny. It’s rather strange to see them build an enormous Christmas tree in the macroplaza, against a clear blue sky.
I am living in the centre with a smoking, drinking, clubbing, lovely blonde German teacher called Julia in a new flat. Without furniture. My airbed is surprisingly comfortable and I am doing well with creating bedside furniture with boxes. But sofas, chairs and eating at tables have become novelties. My posture is not good enough to spend such extended periods of time sitting on the floor. Me and Julia spent a shameful amount of time in Walmart to set up house, and after a couple of days without furniture, the displays were just too tempting – we snuggled down into one of the sofas for a chat, munching biscuits and people watching.

No true Mexico

Sometimes I wonder what country I’m living in. I have been repeatedly told that it isn’t Mexico. Or perhaps that should be Mexico – italicised to emphasize the slight nod and smug smile that goes with the understanding that anything south of the suburbs is the true Mexico, and where I’m living is therefore presumably elsewhere entirely. I really do wish someone would tell me where, because I’m not sure I have a visa to be here. And quite a lot of it feels pretty damn Mexican to me. Admittedly I’m living in a city where I’ve discovered not only Walmart but a whole other host of US stores that I never had an inkling existed. English accents are American accents and I would be truly in denial to deny the strong influence from the United States. But that is hardly surprising being two hours from the border. In a city where you can clock the Chevrolets, six lane roads and McDonalds (other fast food outlets are very much available), you can also hear cumbia and salsa (much to Julia’s dismay), laments to the Mexican outside of Mexico, add cheese to your crisps and subsist entirely on a diet of corn tortillas and avocado, and celebrate with carne asada. There is true pride in being Mexican. Perhaps no-one has told them they aren’t living in Mexico.
I understand what people are saying. Up here is not heavily influenced by the indigenous population; we have no ruins and temples. The city is new and many buildings are hardly celebrating their fifth birthday. Life is more expensive and the city is more modern. How do I defend this claim? Once you leave the centre you can pretty quickly come across areas that are by no means wealthy or modern. Perhaps people reckon poverty is required for the truly Mexican experience.
The more popular Mexican cities are the colonial ones, and for good reason. They, as far as I can tell from my extremely limited experience, are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. And, of course, built on the European model. And strangely, again, based on my limited Zacatecian experience last week, you see many more actual Americans, more gringos, more gueros, whatever expression you chose for that old chestnut, white person, in these popular, pretty, true Mexican towns. I may be living in a city heavily influence by its bloated neighbour from above, but unless you buy into and live the ex-pat community life style, incidence of meeting another guero is actually surprisingly rare. In general wealthy and middle class Mexicans populate this city in the North, surrounded by mountains, so it’s lacking the kudos for backpackers and the hostels that serve them. This doesn’t mean that every man, his dog and his uncle don’t speak a couple of words of English that they helpfully shout after you.
In an attempt to uncover all the subtle intricacies of Mexican culture, Julia, Becky, Aline and I spent the first part of Saturday night in Zacatecas drink long shots of tequila whilst wearing sombreros. Secreted away in a corner of the hostel with sofas (the joy – I have no furniture, so it has been many a long day since I’ve had the pleasure of sitting on a sofa). We found two sombreros hanging in the corner, and the hostel dueno came to visit us regularly enough to fill the glass. Coming from the land of pubs, where tequila is drunk in the early hours with the ritual of salt and a lemon to bite through the pain, I was not entirely mentally prepared for the tall shots on only a beer or two, plain tequila. No ritual. And a sombrero to concentrate on holding on to. This was all a little too much to cope with – I flung my head back (hoping gravity would take responsibility for the tequila.) The combined experience of the sombrero flying back off my head, and Becky saying something amusing caused me to convulse with laughter. The tequila in my mouth (my head still flung back) exited it quickly, in an intriguing and rather impressive fountain effect. I sprayed the room. Beautiful. It is tough being elegant.